HEADLINE: Former President Ronald Reagan Confesses

STORY: Former President Ronald Reagan, in an uncommon display of coherent thought yesterday, confessed to killing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman as O.J. Simpson and Secret Service personell looked on. "The Juice called me up and said he wanted this thing done that he didn't have the heart to do himself," claimed the normally less-lucid ex-President.

When asked about the glove in Mr. Simpson's backyard, Reagan confided that it was the handiwork of overprotective Secret Service officers. "They thought I'd get in serious trouble if anyone ever discovered the murders were my doing," confessed Mr. Reagan, "so they tried to pin the rap on The Juice." The former President stressed that the planted evidence was done "without my knowledge."

Upon hearing the news of Mr. Reagan's confession, and not wanting to appear "wimpy", former President George Bush bragged about his direct involvement in the Jones Town Massacre, as well as the murders of Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, and the attempted assassination of Reagan. "Hinckley was a patsy," insisted the crazed Bush. "I had my fingers in the pie the whole time."

Current President Clinton got in on the confessional bandwagon, himself; claiming to have once placed a shotgun in the mouth of ex-rocker, Curt Cobain. "...but," insists President Clinton, "I never pulled the trigger!"